I Got Sporked
by aseltym
Summary: Sequel to Musing Around


Musing Around Got Sporked!

or 

Is She Bragging or Complaining? 

By Mary A 

Rated R for good measure 

The name of the sporker, the sporking commenters and other people involved have been deleted to protect the innocent and not give any more notoriety to the sporkers.

Musing Around got sporked. Here is the story.  
  
For the uninitiated, "spork" means "mock" at that place online that caters to mocking other writer's fan fics.  
  
The site that shall remain nameless.  
  
At the site itself, the text from the story is distinguishable from the comments about it. I put quote marks around the text from the chapter itself to make it a little easier to tell where the story is as opposed to the review or sporking.

Here is the entry from you-know-where:

Self-insertion has annoyed the hell out of me...

Story Or Series Title: Musing Around Fandom: the one with lots of authors who don't know how to use the AU label that would spare them from bitchy canon whores like me... ah, yes, LOTR Culprit Author's Name: Mary 

Full Name (plus titles if any): Mary

Full Species(es): human Hair Color (include adjectives): unknown Eye Color (include adjectives): unknown Unusual Markings/Colorations: none Special Possessions (if any): a jar of marshmallow fluff, chocolate syrup, cool Rohan underwear (see below) 

Annoying Origin: Modern Earth

Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: "wins" a date with Grima, she's escorted to Rohan by Elrond's sons. In Rohan Eowyn covers her with gifts and the Sue ends her trip with a memorable shag session with Elladan and Elrohir Annoying Special Abilities: amazing oral sex skills Other Annoying Traits: do I really need to comment on this? 

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

I know Middle-earth, you loser...

"For those unfamiliar with my original adventures, let me just summarize them here a bit. The three of us traveled together for a week and visited various locations in virtual Middle Earth. We had a lot of fun in different realms as we made our way slowly but surely to Isengard. The day before I finally arrived in Orthanc we stayed in Rohan as guests of Eomer and Eowyn, who both knew Theoden's disgraced former counselor, Grima, very well. They gave me advice and encouragement for my impending encounter with him."

I don't know why, but I expected this...

"The twins and I arrived in Orthanc late in the day before my official date was to happen and, after I was shown to my guest room, Grima could only sneer helplessly when I told him that both of them were sharing my room with me instead of sleeping in the separate quarters he had prepared."

aka: only omghawt!Elfies can shag Mary-Sues 

Cool underwear directly from Rohan fashion designers

"Eowyn had given me the most darling underwear. The top part was a dainty, silky cream-colored camisole embroidered with the Rohan symbol of two horse heads in profile, with tiny rosebuds entwined around them. The silky old-fashioned pantelettes, with the same rosebud pattern stitched upon them, hit me at mid thigh."

Sex at last!

"It was terribly hard to concentrate on Elrohir's delicious [I found this adjective referring to a cock rather funny] length in my hands, while Elladan teased me that way, but this was the game they played; one would always try to distract me from the other. I was getting good at staying focused on task. Our intimate moments became mental exercises as well as sexual orgies. Like doing a crossword puzzle in ballpoint pen while listening to Mozart."

Silly sex talk

"And the whole time, I have to tell you, they never stopped talking. They never do. They talk to me, each other, and themselves:

"Do that thing I like with your tongue."

"I am going to make her come."

"Don't you dare! I need her full attention!"

"Ah, that is so sweet when you clutch me inside, do that again."

"I taught her that, didn't I, darling?"

(As if I could answer with my mouth stuffed like that!)

"I am close, ah, no, wait, I want to change around..."

"Don't turn her too fast... wait! Hold it..." "

Happily ever after

"I meant to thank Grima the next day for the skin condiments, and all the great fun we had with them, but somehow I just never got around to doing so. My date with him was disastrous, to say the least of it, but the twins managed to rescue me from his slimy clutches before he could do me any harm. I will never regret bringing them with me to Isengard.

The Imladris twins would remain my muses for many wonderful months to come after this adventure was through. They became great favorites among the writers at the fan fiction groups and were soon in great demand. But I was not compelled to write any more stories until I attended an online virtual party and met a king."

---

All in all, the sex was tastefully handled in my opinion, but I'm so freaking bored to death by those self-insertions...

END OF SPORKING

Here is what I did:

I created a live journal account so I could at least point out to the reviewer, who seemed to be mad because I didn't label my story as an AU, that my story (this one is linked to OpenScrolls) is under the AU category --so what was her problem? Here is what I said: 

"Hey! This is my story! Wow! I actually feel flattered to have generated so much interest in my silly PWP! I am sorry that the AU category you found my story in was not enough...I have fixed the chapter so it now reminds readers that they have, indeed, stumbled into the AU category. I agree with the rest of your comments, at least the ones that made sense, and especially the ones describing my sex scenes as tasteful...although I would call them rather sticky, myself."

To which the sporker replied:

"I admit I hadn't noticed that it was AU. My fault.  
Beside the sporking, you have talent for writing sex scenes, as I stated in my report. Just a matter of personal taste, but I think that if you wrote also "canonical" pwp there would be more people appreciating your stories and you would enrich the fandom. But then, it's definitely up to your personal taste."

To which I just had to reply:

"Oh yeah, I get told that by my kids. Almost every day. Actually, they think all fan fic is a waste of my time and talents and that I should write "real stories". I like writing smut. I dont mind being mocked, either. My stories are all humor pieces and a pie in the face goes with the job of being a clown."

To which my Sporker replied:

"Fanfiction's not a waste of time. I was too told I could write "real stories", but I think fanfiction is fun and a good way to get skilled. Also... fanfiction doesn't have many negative sides of professional writing... coughrejectionletterscough  
  
I think you actually have potential, unlike several Suethors featured here. The reason I reported your story here is the self-insertion, which is something I'm truly annoyed with."

Oh well, I guess in the caste system of LOTR fan fiction, us lowly PWP self-inserters should just consider ourselves lucky to be alive, or something. But to spork my fluffy little bit of silly smut while complimenting the "tastefully done" sex scenes is more like free publicity!

Right after the sporking was posted, I got this private message from a reader….

"You don't know me, but...  
I hope you don't mind my commenting. I've seen your stories at a Yahoo group, but a friend pointed out that they had been mentioned on (the site that shall remain nameless) actually, what this friend pointed out was that there seemed to be an inordinate amount of freaking out over the concept of oral sex. When I went to take a look, imagine my surprise to find it was your very tasty smut. At any rate, just wanted to tell you what a fun read those stories were, especially the banter between the Twins. Thanks so much for the good smutty time."

Okay, that is the story, oh, wait, I do want to show you something from two of the thread comments from the original sporking:

"I went and read it, and I don't understand the initial criticism of the writer not stating AU. It is in the AU category. And it is very well written, too. Grammar, punctuation, spelling and even the lay out is well done. I wish more Mary Sues were this fun to read. No Legolas in sight."

And

"I agree with the tastfully handled sex scene. I've read so much worse, from virgin!sex that wasn't realistic at all, to scenes pulled strait out of a Harliquin Romance novel." sigh truly hot R/X-rated stories are so hard to come by." 

Now, I just love getting that kind of feedback, no matter where it comes from! The only thing that bothered me, besides being attacked for not being labeled AU under the AU category, was the part about the "adjective referring to a cock". I would never use such a coarse, common term as that when describing an Elf. Especially a twin!

the end


End file.
